Akpors's mum

Akpors: mummy I don't like my
maths teacher.
Akpors's mum: how?
Akpors: he is confused
Akpors's mum: how?
Akpors: a day before yesterday he
said 4+5=9. Yesterday he said
3+6=9. And den today he said
2+7=9, can u imagine?
Akpors's mum: I told ur father I
never liked dat school.

One word for both of them!

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Commonwealth International Scholarship in South Africa.

Brief description: The commonwealth scholarship allows successful applicant to study the course of their choice in any of the following university; Central University of Technology, Durban University of Technology, Tshwane University of Technology, University of Johannesburg, University of Pretoria and University of Stellenbosch in South Africa.

Eligible Field of Study: Scholarships are provided to study any subject as offered by the listed universities, except for the Central

University of Technology, where priority will be given to applicants in Tourism and/or Hospitality Management, Education,

Biomedical Technology, Engineering and ICT.

Scholarship Type: Master’s degree

Selection Criteria and Eligibility: The following are the criteria that must be met before you submit your application:

• Be citizens of any Commonwealth country except South Africa

• Hold a first degree of upper second class Honors standard (or above) in a discipline relevant to that in which study is proposed

Number of Scholarship: Five (5) Scholarship positions are available.

What do we call a black person from Poland?

Someone from America is called American...

Someone from Poland is called Polish...

Black person from America is called Black American...

Then what do we call black person from Poland?

Write your answer in the comment box..... 

Smart Mum

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate. 

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure

Check your weight with your blacberry phone

You can now check your weight
with your blacberry phone. Just
dial *2352# then keep it on the
floor and stand on it accurately
and wait for the result. Before
standing on it make sure you
chop akpu and egwisi soup.

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Akpos use pigeon in sending messages

Akpos: MTN people dey chop our money too much.
Ekaitte: Yes the stealing is too much.
Akpos: I got an idea, instead of using phone, why
don't we use a
pigeon in sending messages like the old time, just tie your
message to it's leg if you want to reply.
Ekaitte: I like what is in your head.
After an hour of waiting, Ekaitte saw the pigeon in the window,
she checked it's
leg's but nothing there, she sent it back, just afew minutes it
comes back, she
quickly grabs it but to her dissapointment no message again, she
sent it back.
After some few minutes, she opened the window for the pigeon
to come in, she checked it's legs but still no message.
With too much anger, she headed to Akpos house and shouted
"Akpos come here, you idiot,
you said you will send message through this pigeon but why the
three times it came to me, no message?!
Akpos: You don't get it oooh... It's 3 missed calls not message

Jamb Result!

Jamb Result!
Eng= 30
Maths= 21
physics= 18
chemistry= 30 
Agg Score= 99

BUT your;
Facebook friendz= 4,999
Twitter followers= 10,572
BBM friendz= 1,520
2go friendz= 980 
Whatsapp friendz= 632
2go star level= Ultimate
Are you AKPOS???
I Pity you,THE DEVIL must have been
singing LIMPOPO and dancing gangnam style on your BRAIN

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Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) recruits Senior Well Engineer,Operations - 2

Shell companies have been finding and producing oil and gas around the world for over a century. Today, we have interests in exploration and production ventures in more than 80 countries and employ approximately 90,000 people.

This is a technically challenging work environment characterised by a continuing need for research, the pursuit of new technology, and the adoption of new ways of working. It demands people who will thrive in a culture that encourages and rewards innovation, collaboration and the ability to learn from success as well as failure. 

Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) is the pioneer and leader of the petroleum industry in Nigeria. It is capable of producing an average of over one million barrels of oil equivalent per day. The

Airtel Nigeria Recruits Head Youth Segment

Airtel Nigeria - (Airtel Networks Limited), a leading mobile telecommunication services provider in Nigeria and a member of Airtel Africa Group, is committed to providing innovative, exciting, affordable and quality mobile services to Nigerians, giving them the freedom to communicate, rise above their daily challenges and drive economic and social development. The company made history on August 5, 2001 by becoming the first telecoms operator to launch commercial GSM services in Nigeria and has scored a series of many "firsts" in the highly competitive Nigerian telecommunications market including the first to introduce toll-free 24-hour customer care; first to launch service in all the six geo-political zones in the country; first to introduce affordable recharge denominations; first to introduce monthly free SMS and first to introduce monthly airtime bonus.

A truly innovative company, Airtel has showed resilience, charting new paths in meeting the demands and needs of its esteemed stakeholders and enhancing distribution as well as providing affordable services to empower more nigerians.

In Nigeria, Airtel is working tirelessly to live up to an ambitious vision of being the most loved brand in

CHEMISTRY CLASS

Professor: Chemical symbol of
Barium?
Akpors: BA
Professor: For sodium?
Akpors: NA
Professor: What will we get if 1
atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are
combined?
Akpors: BANANA!

The clocks of Lies

One day, a man died and went to heaven. On getting there, he met his angel in a room full of clocks.

Man: "what are these?"
Angel: " Lie clocks. Everybody on earth have a lie clock which ticks each time the person lies"

The man noticed a golden watch that is not ticking and asked: "who owns this watch?"

Angel: "Mother Theresa. She didnt lie in her entire life time so her clock didnt tick"

Man: "ok. Where are the clocks owned by politicians?"

Angel: " Oh. There Are In our office. We use them as standing fans"

First Bank Graduate Trainee Programme 2013

First Bank of Nigeria - Exciting career opportunity exist for highly competent, energetic, self-motivated and dynamic fresh graduates to join the foremost financial service organisation in the country through the First Bank Graduate Trainee Programme.

First Bank is Nigeria's largest and most successful tier-1 financial institution, operating from over 650 branches across the country.   Driven by a vision to be the clear leader and Nigeria's bank of first

Branch Manager - Wuse at Standard Chartered Bank

Standard Chartered Bank Nigeria - We attract talented individuals. Not only can they give you the benefit of their experience, they also reveal a closer, more personal look at the wide range of global opportunities we offer. At the core of the Group's people strategy is our focus on employee engagement. Engagement is a key driver of productivity and performance, which creates the foundation of our performance culture. We encourage and focus on the behaviours that bring out the very best from every employee, assessing their performance not just on results but on how those results were achieved. To further embed these behaviours we have a remuneration programme in place, carefully designed to incentivise our employees to live our values every day. 

We are recruiting for the position of

Job Title: Branch Manager - Wuse

Job ID: 381116
Job Function: Consumer Banking

Nigerian Army Recruitment for Non-Tradesmen / Women 2013

The Nigerian Army is calling for applications from applicant for the 70th Regular Recruits Intake for Non-Tradesmen / women into the Nigerian Army.

70th Regular Recruits Intake for Non-Tradesmen / Women 2013 into the Nigerian Army

Suitability

• Applicants shall be of Nigerian origin by birth
• All Applicants must attend zonal screening exercise at the designated zonal centres for their respective states.
• Applicants must be aged between 18 - 22 years by 22 June 2013.
• Applicants must be medically, physically, and psychologically fit and must not be less than 1.65 meters tall for men and 1.56 meters for women.

Why Women Have long hair

A History teacher was taking on pre independence when the notorious but inquisitive Akpos interrupted her...

Akpos: "ma, abeg shebi Albert Macaulay get bololo (ma, please, hope Albert Macaulay was bald)?"

Teacher: "yes, cos he always told the truth :-/"

Akpos: :-O "OK, now I Know why women hair long well well"

Wise man Akpos

Mr Akpors ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He was so proud of what the car can do without mistakes. He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired. Mr Akpors agreed. Mr Akpors: Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, Mr Akpors became worried, dressed up,

Scholarship Tips

What if you had all the secrets to winning a scholarship? Would you tell the world — or keep them for yourself? Nationally recognized financial aid and scholarship expert, Mark Kantrowitz,does have all the secrets, and fortunately, he’s spilling everything he knows.

Kantrowitz has provided Fastweb with the top 12 and more tips on winning a scholarship and Asf Comedy Unit are ready to share them with you:

1. Start searching for scholarships as soon as possible. Don’t wait until spring of your senior year in high school to start searching, or you’ll miss half the deadlines. There are many scholarships available to students in grades 9, 10 and 11, not just high school seniors. There are even scholarships for students in grades K-8. Continue searching for scholarships even after you are enrolled in college.

2. Answer all of the optional questions on a scholarship matching web site for about twice as many matches.

3. If your answer to an essay question is abstract, support it with a concrete example that illustrates your point.  The scholarship sponsor wants to see evidence that you satisfy their criteria, not just unsupported statements.

4. Compile a list of all your accomplishments.  This will help you identify your strengths and prepare a better application.

5. Give a copy of the resume to the people who are writing letters of recommendation for you.  They will be able to work some of the tidbits into their letters, making it seem like they know you better.

6. Look for local scholarships on bulletin boards near the guidance counselor of financial aid offices, or the library’s jobs and careers section.

7. Apply to every scholarship for which you are eligible. Pursue less competitive scholarships, such as small awards and essay contests, since they are easier to win and the money adds up and helps you win bigger scholarships.

8. Don’t miss deadlines. Use a calendar and checklist to get organized.

9. Tailor your application to the sponsor’s goals. Read and follow the instructions carefully.

10. Read all the scholarship requirements and directions carefully, and make sure that you are eligible before you send in your application.  Your application will not be considered if you are not qualified to apply.

11. If you have difficulty writing essays, try recording yourself as you answer the question out loud, and transcribe the recording later. Most people can think and speak faster than they can write or type. Create an outline afterward to organize your thoughts.

12. Try to understand the sponsor's motivation in offering the award.  Do they want to promote interest in their field?  Do they want to identify promising future researchers and business leaders?  If you can identify their goals, you can direct your application toward satisfying those goals, increasing your chances of winning the award.

13. Personalize your essay and be passionate. Write about something of interest to you. Make your application stand out from the crowd. Talk about your impact on other people. Give examples and be specific.

14. Make several photocopies of all the forms you receive.  Use the copies as working drafts as you develop your application packet.

15. It is always best to type the application.  If you must print, do so neatly and legibly.

16. Proofread the entire application carefully.  Nothing is less impressive than an application with misspelled words or grammar errors.  Ask a friend, teacher or parent to proofread it as well.

17. Google your name and make sure you have a professional online profile. Use a professional email address, such as firstname.lastname@gmail.com. Clean up the content of your Facebook account, removing inappropriate and immature material.

18. Many students fail to follow directions.  You can give yourself a competitive advantage by reading the directions carefully.

19. Provide everything that is required.  But do not supply things that are not requested.  You will not impress and you might be disqualified.

20. Be sure to complete the entire application.  If a question does not apply, note that on the application.  Do not just leave it blank.

21. Proofread a printed copy of your essay and the application for spelling and grammar errors.

22. Impose a deadline for yourself that is at least two weeks before the stated deadline.  Use this 'buffer time' to proofread your application before you send it off.

23. YOU are responsible for making sure all parts of the application arrive on time.  This includes supporting materials, such as letters of recommendation and transcripts.  So make sure everyone who is contributing to your application has ample lead-time.

24. If worse comes to worst, call the scholarship provider in advance and ask if it is possible to receive an extension.  Do not just send the materials in late; many committees will refuse late applications.  But do not rely on extensions - very few scholarship providers allow them at all.

25. Make a photocopy of your application before mailing it. Send the application by certified mail, return receipt requested or with delivery confirmation.

Akpos the chocolate magician

Akpos and Gideon entered a
chocolate store. As they were
busy looking, Gideon steals 3
chocolate bars. After leaving the
store Gideon says to Akpos:"Man I'm
the best thief ever, I stole 3
chocolates and no one saw
me,You cant beat that". Akpos
replies:
"You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop
and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and
Akpos says to the Shop keeper:
"Do you want to see magic?"
Shop keeper replies:"Yes." Akpos says:
"Give me one chocolate bar." The
shopkeeper gave him one, and
he eats it. He asks for the second,
and
he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes thatone
too. The shop keeper asks:"But
where's the magic?" Akpos
replies: "Check in my friend's
pocket, and you'll find them.

Every day English spoken by English Spokers

"To hair is human to forgive is design"

"I hate guys with low selves of steam".#:-s

"You are a blessing to your generator".:$ "I am a soccer for guys

wit six park".

"My bb charger is no longer walking".;;)

"Anybody who supports this killings is a carnival"

"Be magnified Oh Lord, you are highly exhausted"X_X

"Joy comment in d morning"

"Goodmourning friends"

"I didnt did it"

"I one to b your friend"

"Thank you Lord 4 a brown new day"

Add yours, don't spoil the fun!!!!

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Boss Akpos

Akpors sits next to a girl on a
table in a hotel
Akpors: hello madam?
Lady: what is it?
Akpors: sorry madam , just
wanted to ask what the time is
on your watch?
Lady: ehee …now you think my
watch is used as a public clock
huh? Go away and stop wasting
my time
Akpors: but madam
Lady: shut up!!!
Akpors takes out his Apple
phone and makes call
Akpors: hello John I just
settled from Washington D.C
can you please tell me what time
it is right now so that I set my
clock to the local time since it
still reads American time? *she
listens*
Ok, thank you and today don’t
forget to come for the galaxy
tablet that you requested * she
listens*
Since my girl is still in America
bring me a beautiful girl to
spend my money with tonight Ok
bye
Lady: sir the time is ….
Akpors: shut up !!!!! People are talking money you are talking nonsense.

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Happy Birthday, Andrés Iniesta Luján!

Andrés Iniesta Lujan celebrates his 29th birthday today, May 11, 2013.

The shy boy from Fuentealbilla joined Barça as a twelve-year-old in 1996 after scouts had spotted him at the Brunette Tournament playing for the Albacete team. He progressed rapidly through the club’s various youth teams and was promoted to Barça B for the 2000-01 season. Andrés’ dream of debuting with the first team came true in October 2002 when he was picked to play in the Champions League match against Bruges in Belgium.

Frank Lampard breaks Chelsea goals record

Frank Lampard etched his name into the history books by deposing Bobby Tambling as Chelsea's record goalscorer with a match-winning brace against Aston Villa.

The England midfielder, restored to the starting XI ahead of Wednesday's Europa League final, cancelled out Christian Benteke's opener with a sweet left-footed effort just after the hour mark before sealing the points - and the record - with close-range effort three minutes from time.

That left him with 203 career goals for the Blues, a fitting landmark forged over 12 years at Stamford Bridge.

How many more he will be able to add is open to question, with no contract extension yet signed, but the affection in which he is held by both team-mates and fans was clear in the

WAEC examination

WAEC examination, Akpos was
asked to complete the following:
1. He who fights and run away?
Akpos: E don surrender be dat na, na
fear catch am
2. A rolling stone? Akpos: No fit just
dey roll, na person push am
.
3. He who lives in a glass house?
Akpors: Na rich politician e go be.
4. A stitch in time? Akpors: Dey
prevent further tear tear.
5. Birds of the same feather?
Akpors: Na the same mama born
them.
6. One good turn? Akpors: Na correct
power steering fit do am.
7. A bird in hand? Akpors: Wetin e
wan be again if no be barbeque. Dem
plenty
for chicken republic.
8. Half bread is better than?
Akpors: Puff puff, buns or garri
without sugar.
9. A journey of a thousand miles?
Akpors: Na d person wahala be dat
na, Why e no enter car or aeroplane
jeje?
10. He who laughs last?
Akpors: Get brain problem. Make dem
examine am, becos
na begining of madness be dat.
11. A patient dog?
Akpors: Na hunger go kill am.
12. All work and no play?
Akpors: Na bank job be dat bros.
13. Once beaten?
Akpors: Na revenge go follow be dat.
14. A fool at forty? Akpors: U never
see Naija own, our own
starts @ 50

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Call me papa

Akpos: Rose, i noticed you now call me 'Dad'
instead of 'Papa'. Why?
Akpors's Daughter: Yes dad, calling you 'Papa' spoils my
lipstick!!!
I knew you would try it! 


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Lecturer Akpos

Akpos the lecturer in Gwagalada, University of Abuja decided to give his students a test. He asked them to write the answers as he read out the questions. 
Instructions says..Canceling answers not allowed) 


Akpos the Lecturer: Question1. What's your favorite food? [10 mrks]
Female students were writing, Pizza, fried rice,Hamburger, ice cream, sharwama and all sorts of Chinese cuisine..... 


Lecturer Akpos: Question 2. How do you prepare the food? [50 marks] Huh!! immediately, the female students started canceling and changing the foods to, beans, cocoyam,& abacha, bolee and porridge yam, indomine, white rice with no soap!!!

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Double Confession

Akpos was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must
confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with you,
your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied.
"Now just rest and let the poison work"

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Akpos IN COURT

Judge: now then,please tell me
what are the charges against
you ??.
Akpos: i was caught shopping
very early ...
Judge: That doesnt seem like an
offence to me..what do you mean
by "very early"??
Akpos: Well your Honour , it was
before the shop was open..

describe Akpos

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2013 One Planet MBA Scholarships for International Students at University of Exeter in UK

This unique University of Exeter Business School scholarship covers the full MBA tuition fee for 2013/4. Eligible candidates must:

• Meet the full entry requirements for the One Planet MBA.
• Have a demonstrable interest in sustainable enterprise.
• Be a UK citizen.

Social Enterprise Scholarship Application Form for 2013-2014

Full-fee Company Scholarships

Afren One Planet MBA Scholarship (£34,000)

This scholarship covers the full One Planet MBA tuition fee for 2013/14, as well as a contribution towards accommodation and living expenses.

Eligible candidates will need to:

Nigeria Exam

Nigeria exam

Law of Diminishing Returns Explained

What woman wishes for...

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things

Picture of the day

Mourinho vs Ronaldo

Dokubo Asari: There Will Be No Peace If Jonathan Is Not Returned In 2015

Ahead of 2015 general elections, Northern youths engaged former President of Ijaw Youth Congress (IYC) and Leader of the Niger Delta People’s Volunteer Force (NDPVF), Alhaji Mujahid Dokubo-Asari, in a war of words over the re-election bid of President Goodluck Jonathan in 2015.

Dokubo had fired the first salvo while addressing a press conference in Abuja as he declared that the Niger Delta region cannot guarantee peace in Nigeria if President Jonathan is not returned in 2015.

He also stated that after Jonathan’s presidency, the region will resume claim to the resources in the oil-rich Niger-Delta, saying that they are currently on sabbatical leave.

The Arewa youths, however, responded immediately warning Asari Dokubo to desist from beating the drums of war over the re-election of President Jonathan in 2015.

They said that the choice of Nigeria’s next

GlaxoSmithKline Nigeria: Business Planning & Insights Manager

GlaxoSmithKline plc (GSK) is a British multinational pharmaceutical, biologics, vaccines and consumer healthcare company headquartered in London, United Kingdom. GlaxoSmithKline is one of the world’s leading research based pharmaceutical and healthcare companies. We have a challenging and inspiring mission to improve the quality of human life by enabling people to do more, feel better and live longer. With a firm foundation in science we discover, develop, manufacture and distribution prescriptions,

medicines, vaccines and consumer healthcare products.