Welcome to Asf Comedy Unit

Hehe!Yes O! E don happen again o. Chukwudi Films in association wit Chukwuemeka Pictures

present anoda og****e movie " ASUU STRIKE 2013".Dis one na movie wey pass movie o! Dem no dey tell person dis one o! U must to watch am urself & for urself. Come hear the true story behind the whole ASUU Strike. Who start am, why dem start am, who suppose end am and who no gree end am! U go c all for dis movie. Money don scatter our country o! Dis one dey ask 4 money, dat one say no money...ewoOooo o! Chai! Come see as University students dey suffer, see as crime don dey increase, girls dey born like fowl, yahoo boys dey press control enter ooo, see as lecturers kukuma don turn home teachers & some dey roger kabukabu with dem moto... Parents dey cry say their children don finish food for house. Ew www...see this mama she say na 4 derica of rice she dey chop per month but now wey her pikin dey house, nah 1 bag per month ooo...chai! See Blood!See Blood!!See Blood!!! Students no gree ooo. Rich men no worry. Leaders no even send.Ewooooooo! Wetin poor man go do. Kai! ASUU STRIKE! ASUU STRIKE!! ASUU STRIKE 2013!! Full of Suspense, intrigues, romance, swagger, ginger...dat will keep u glued to d edge of ur seat. U go laff, u go cryand u go reason sef. ASUU STRIKE!

ASUU STRIKE!! ASUU STRIKE 2013!!!. . . Grab ur copy now!

Starring:

Kanayo O. Kanayo as

Goodluck

Jonathan, Pete Edochie as Nassir faggie,

Patience Ozokwor as Ngozi Okonjo- Iweala,

Eucharia Anunobi as Prof.Ruqayyat,

Jide Kosoko as Gabriel Suswan,

Olu Jacobs as Prof Julius Okojie,

Jim Iyke as Yahoo boy, Saka as poor man o!

Marketed and distributed

by

chiemelie & Sons Ltd. 7

pound road aba.ASUU STRIKE 2013!

Grab ur copy now!!!

Akpos was called for an interview by Chevron based on his performance
while working for shell.
INTERVIEWER: What is your current pay at Shell and what are you looking at with Chevron?
AKPOS: N9m per annum plus medical and other benefits. Considering the position here in Chevron, I'd be looking at N20-22m per annum, a status car, overseas vacation and medicals.
INTERVIEWER: Today is your lucky day! The position comes with N35m per annum salary, 2014 Range Rover Sport as official car, Mercedes Benz S65 AMG as status car, overseas medical treatment. A fully furnished house here in lekki, health
insurance for your wife and children, 2 houses to be built for you in any town of
your choice and in your village, annual overseas vacation for you and your family fully-paid first class, N2m wardrobe allowance per annum, cook, steward and 2 drivers, country club membership, and you're entitled to keep all that the
company gives you if you put in just 3 years of service...
AKPOS: (in bewildered excitement) HAAA!!!! Sir,
you must be joking!!!
INTERVIEWER: Of course I'm joking! Were you not the one that started it?

A Man missed his wife who travelled, so much that he felt the matrimonial bed was too big
for just him alone. Then, he decided to sleep on the sofa, dinning chair and sometimes
in the library, children's room and the Guest room. When the wife came back,
she asked the maid if her husband was sleeping fine while she was away. But the
maid answered: Madam, since you left, Oga no dey gree sleep for una Bedroom,
He has been sleeping around ooooooo.
The woman fainted!!

One word for the Housemaid.

Teacher: who will pronounce 999 in words?
[teacher points Little Johnny]
Little Johnny: Sir, its nine hundred and ninety nine!
Teacher: wow! Clap for him..who will try and tell me 777
words?
David: Sir, it's seven hundred and seventy seven!..
Teacher: wow! U guys are awesome.. An applaud
for david..
Teacher: finally, who will pronounce 111 in words for us?
[At the corner, little Akpors shouted,"I sirrrr!..SirrrrI]
Teacher: yess Akpors!
Akpos: Sir! It's ONE HUNDRED AND ONETY ONE
Teacher fainted

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife Unclad on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally Unclad, covering on the closet floor. "You !" the man says, "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around Unclad scaring the kids!"

AKPOS: Uncle, I learnt its difficult to get admission into University these days, except you are well

connected… Uncle: Yes thats true. …

AKPOS: Since you are connected, I came to ask you to help me get admission into university after my

jamb.

Uncle: Ya that’s true…am connected and I will help you. AKPOS: Thank you uncle. Uncle: You are welcome,

so how is your result, is it Waec or Neco and how many credits did you get?

AKPOS: Uncle, its waec, I had only 2 credits in Agricultural science and Yoruba language, but I failed the

rest.

1.A HAUSA man who removes his shoes 2 enter a taxi.
2.An IGBO man who goes 2 d bank with a spanner 2 open an account.
3.A YORUBA man who goes 2 bed wt a ruler just 2 know how long he has slept.
4. A TIV man who watches news on TV...and waves at d news caster.
5. An EFIK nurse who wakes up a sleeping patient simply becos she 4got 2 give him sleeping pills.
6. An IGALA man who turns down d volume of his TV becos he wants 2 read a text message.
7. An EDO man who sprays himself wt Raid insecticide 2 keep mosquitoes away.
8. An IKWERE man who polishes his shoes 2 take passport sized photo.

• Go and tell Ahab that Elijah

is here Ministries - Benin

• God is Real Ministry. Motto:

.Nak me Akpako Ministries

"Jesus no get muscle but

he get power"

• JESUS THE LANDLORD, WE

THE RELAXING PEW MINISTRY

- Port harcourt

• Old time religion ministry

• Strong Hand of God

ministry

• Best Spot In The Land of

God Church - Apapa.

• Trigger happy ministry.

Motto- "always firing the

devil" ---Affiliated to MOPOL

or Niger Delta militants

world Hiv Day
world Thinking Day
world Boxing Day
world This & That Day
World Marrying Day

I Can't Just Stop To Ask Myself, If Today Is Declared World Stealing Day
what will you steal???

Attributes of those mother F*ckers in my house
Fast
Skillful
Smart
And Fertile
Hobbies
Dancing
Watching Tv (Especially Nat geo wild)
Stealing food from the Flask (cause they dont eat food that already drops the floor, they feel its not hygienic)

Fighting
When they start fighting the house won't be at rest until we seperate them using Stone or Cane
Lemme stop for Now

Do you think your House Rats are more crazier than mine?
Describe them below..
I hope the mod finds this interesting

Mr. Akpors was blessed with a beautiful wife and got a bouncing baby boy under the age of seven. To please his lovely family with fun, he bought a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie from a shopping center. He decided to test it during dinner with his family the next day.

Mr. Akpors: Son, Where were you today?

Akpors junior: I was at school dad.

Robot Slaps The Son!

Akpors Junior: ok dad, i went to nkechi's house to watch dvd....

Mr. Akpors: What sort of dvd?

Akpors junior: Toy story

Robot Slaps The Son Again!

There was a group of men gathered at a church conference on "How to live in a loving relationship with your wife".

The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife?"
All the men raised their hands.
Then, they were asked "When was the last time you told your wife you loved her?
Some men answered "Today", Some said "Yesterday", majority didn't remember when.

The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wife
" I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART"...

Then the men were told to exchange phones so one can read the other person's wifes reply to the love message.
Here are some of the replies.
1. Have you impregnated someone again?

Do you have a Facebook Fanpage or Business page? If you do then you might, at one point or another, have wondered how to increase your “likes” and followers and how to get more facebook likes.

There are many services on the internet that offer “likes” for a fee. Unfortunately most of the followers you will gain from those services are fake and/or will not truly be engaged in the content you put out.

There are many methods for gaining more followers and you will find 100′s of articles about them out in

Gates Cambridge Scholarships are highly competitive full-cost scholarships. They are awarded to outstanding applicants from countries outside the UK to pursue a full-time postgraduate

An Arab was admitted in the Hospital for a heart operation, butprior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns. Finally an Igbo guy was located who had a similar type of blood.

The IGBO guy willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Igbo guy as appreciation, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the igbo dude who was more than

Simple Question: “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?”

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us orfor us.
There is no middle ground here.

BILL GATES: I have just witnessed eChicken2012 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; internet explorer is an

Here is a Scholarship called Development Scholarships for Nigerian Students and Students from other Developing Countries in Czech Republic for the 2014/2015 Academic Year.

Thanks to a generous contribution from the Czech Ministry of Education, Youth and Sport, the Faculty of Social Sciences is able to offer a limited number of partial scholarships for students of all fee based programs in academic year 2014/15. A total of five scholarships are available, ear-marked for students from developing countries and/or countries going through a process of political and economic transition.

What is on offer

1. Under the terms of this scholarship, students will receive a waiver of school fees for their first semester of study, plus a one-off payment of Kc 50,000 (about 2,050 Euro) as a contribution

Dad: Son, please buy me a soft drink..

Akpors: Coke or Pepsi?

Dad: Coke.

Akpors: Diet or regular?

Dad: Regular.

Akpors: Bottle or can?

Dad: Bottle.

Akpors: Litre or oz?

Akpos a University student who shocked his lecturer with the kind of English he didn’t expect.

Akpos is a varsity student. The Lecturer ordered him to write an apology letter showing why he didn’t submit an assignment.

Dear Lecturer,

I’m sorry I could not do the homework on time because I was tired after watching televison.

Thank you..

The Lecturer warns him to write a formal letter with formal english or reflective of a varsity student lest he be punished.

This is what Akpos wrote…

Dear knowledge conduit,

My sovereign persona is thoroughly apologetic for my sordid academic behavioural inactivity or

Employment opportunities for Delta State Indigenes — Quanteq Technology Services Limited is providing ad hoc employment opportunities in ICT for unemployed indigenes of Delta State who have completed the National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) Scheme.

Delta State Graduate Assistance Programme (GradUP)

Graduated with BSc. or HND certificate of Delta State Origin are eligible for this job opportunity. However,

Nigeria international, Vincent Enyeama, has been declared first-choice goalkeeper at French Ligue 1 side, Lille Metropole for the 2013/14 season.

According to L’Equipe, Lille manager, Rene Girard, has decided to put Enyeama ahead of Frenchman, Steeve Elana in the pecking order of goalkeepers at the club.

“Vincent Enyeama (30 years) will be the number one goalkeeper of Lille next season as

He just got himself into trouble in class again.

TEACHER (drew a map of Nigeria on the board): Who can tell me what I drew on d board?

STUDENTS: No answer

TEACHER: So nobody can tell me what is on d board right?

STUDENTS: No answer except Akpors.

TEACHER: Ok Akpors come out. Who else?

AKPORS receive beating bcos he won enter prison

here is my story

No be my fault.

Na wetin happen be this...

Me sef been dey reason the formation to enter power, I come see say:

Nelson Mandela from prison to president.

Obasanjo from prison to president.

Theodore Orji from prison to Gov.

Omisore Iyiola from prison to senator.

Al mustapha from prison to Brigadier General.

Na hin I come go front of barrack go slap soja man make a fit go prison.

Kai... my people, where una wan make a see hand and eye type joke.

The kin beatin wey I chop ma people, if a contest for Councillor, I no go win.

Ma eye don dey clear small small sha..

Arsenal have joined the chase for the new Christian Benteke, Nigerian striker Uche Nwofor.

Nwofor’s pacy and powerful style has seen him likened to Aston Villa’s instant hit Benteke.

The 21 year-old bagged 10 goals for Venlo last season,and has some of the Premier Leagues biggest clubs after his services.

He was very close to making a January move to Russia, but now the Daily Star claim we are in

Mr. Udoh was returning from the farm
when a plane crashed into his rubber plantation.
The plane was full of politicians. He knew if he left the
wreckage to get help, some the politicians
would rot by the time he return so he dug graves and buried all of them.

He reported to the police and the state governor

Woman Folorunsho Alakija and her 4 Sons

Africa’s Billionaire Woman Folorunsho Alakija Acquires 4 G-Wagons For Her 4 Sons

Africa’s Billionaire lady, Folorunsho Alakija who has an estimated net worth of $600M is

reported to have spent a fortune in acquiring 4 brand new 2013. G-Wagons for Her 4 Sons.

According to reports, the 2013 G-wagon is worth N22m excluding shipping fees.

Folorunsho Alakija is estimated to rake in about $1m daily from her oil business.

She also has a real estate portfolio worth over $100 million.

In continuation of its efforts to provide opportunities for developing careers in the petroleum industry, Esso Exploration and Production Nigeria Limited (EEPNL) is offering Scholarships to outstanding Nigerian graduates wishing to pursue International post-graduate studies in the underlisted disciplines:

Geosciences
Engineering (Petroleum, Mechanical, Chemical, Electrical, Electronics, Civil/Structural, Marine and Sub Sea)

Eligibility:

Must be a graduate from a Nigerian University
Must possess a Bachelor's degree with a minimum of second class upper division in any of the listed Engineering and Geosciences disciplines.
Must have provisional admission to undertake full-time postgraduate study at a reputable foreign University

Delta State Bursary and Scholarship Board- As part of Our ongoing commitment to advancing computing and technology, we are pleased to provide Scholarships and Bursary awards to encourage students to excel in their studies and become active role models and leaders. We hope these programmes also help in dismantling barriers that keep the less privileged from achieving their goals.

Location: Delta, Nigeria
Summary
This is to inform the general public particularly students of Delta State Origin studying in tertiary

The Annual Gani Fawehinmi Scholarship for indigent students in Nigerian tertiary institutions is now open for applications.
The award is for 20 indigent students, each of whom will receive One hundred Thousand Naira (N100,000) for their education.

Eligibility Criteria
-Applicant must be poor and indigent.
-Applicant must be registered students of Tertiary institutions in Nigeria i.e Universities,

Over 40 years old certificates are still with WAEC.

The West Africa Examination Council, WAEC, has threatened to impose penalties on candidates who failed to collect their certificates on or before December 31.

This is contained in a statement signed by the Deputy Director, Public Affairs, Yusuf Ari, on Monday in Lagos.

It stated that millions of certificates of candidates who sat for WAEC examinations since 1960s

The suspects were arrested in various parts of Lagos.

The Nigerian Army in a raid carried out between July 12 and 23 said it arrested 42 suspected members of the Boko Haram sect in various hideouts in Lagos and Ogun States.

The General Officer Commanding (GOC), 81 Division, Major General Obi Umahi, paraded the

Akpo's father wanna travels 4 his business work, after finishing the Weekend with his family. He gave his wife wat she worth & d portion 4 their child (Akpos)- Therefter he gave Akpos a piece of advise:-

Dad: Now son, be gud while I'm away.

Akpos: Ok Dad. I'll be gud 4 ten dollars.

Dad: That's too much son! Wen I was ur age, I was gud 4 nothing.

Good Morning Acub readers.

Statistics shown about the number of times people brush their teeth in a day.

1.) 90% brush their teeth once a day.
2.) 8% brush their teeth twice a day.
3.) 1.9% brush their teeth three times a day.
4.) 0.1% brush their teeth four or more times a day. Morning how was your night?? =))

BE SINCERE.......
Which category do you fall in????????????

"Educate a man and you educate an individual, educate a woman and you educate a family."

Have been sick for some days now and didnt feel like writing but I must voice my opinion!

For so many days I have been wondering when all the 150 Million problems of Nigeria would be solved... Then like a scene in Nollywood movie.... Some Selfish, idiotic egocentric, quasi-human, old pedophiles who call themselves

Girl: Dad,I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I'm in United State and he
lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had
long chats on whatsapp, proposed to each other on skype, and now 2 months of
relationship through viber, i need your blessings and good wishes daddy

Her dad said: Really!then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your
kids on e-bay, send them through gmail. And if you are fed up with your
husband.... sell him on amazon.com

Let welcome Mr TieTus (Akpors' cousin)

Manchester United's recently retired legend Paul Scholes has told Wayne Rooney to stay at Manchester United because you don't go to a better place from United.

Scholes comments come after a summer of
uncertainty surrounding Rooney, after Rooney had handed in a transfer request late last season. Chelsea and Arsenal are thought to be the interested parties, though Chelsea are thought to be in pole position to sign the United striker.

Scholes told Sky Sports News: "I don't think there's

Arsenal have come a step closer to finding a new club for their out of favour forward Gervinho. After reports earlier in the week which said that Arsenal had rejected a £6.2 million bid for the Ivory Coast international from Italian giants Roma, Football Italia reports that Roma are prepared to raise their offer to £6.9 million,

This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute

Phillips Consulting Limited - Our client is one of the first banks to have been established in Nigeria and has a wide network of branches.

An exciting opportunity exists for Team Lead, Windows Management to support the Head, IT

Hundreds of residents of Ibadan, Tuesday, rushed out to catch a glimpse of a strange fish which was said to have human parts at Asaka compound area of the city.The incident happened at Ile Akindele when a fish seller noticed the strange creature after removing the wrap of a frozen fish.

Petroleum Training Institute is now offering admission into Industrial Continuing Education (I.C.E) Higher National Diploma (HND) and National Diploma (ND) weekend programme for the 2013/2014
session.
Interested and qualified Candidates can apply for the Petroleum Training Institution (PTI)

Mr Asari Dokubo

Former Ijaw Youth Council president and founder of the Niger Delta People's Volunteer Force, Mr Asari Dokubo has given his opinion concerning child marriage in Nigeria. Below is what he wrote on his Facebook page a few days ago...

We now know how senators voted on the constitution amendment bill which caused an uproar in the senate on Tuesday.

The part up for amendment relates to persons qualifies to renounce Nigerian citizenship. The constitution in Section 29 says anyone of age can do so.
Section 29(4) (b) says that ” any woman who is married shall be deemed to be of full age.” It

Senegal have made the biggest leap of any team in the latest Fifa World Rankings, climbing 25 places up to 74th globally and 17 in Africa.

It marks a huge turnaround for the Teranga Lions, who had slipped to their lowest ever position last month. There are also big improvements for other Africa nations in July's list.

Cape Verde have hit their highest ranking after moving up 23 places to sit 49th, while Guinea are 61st following a rise of 24 places. In contrast, Central African Republic suffered the biggest slip of any team, falling 30 places to sit at 89th position in the world.

African champions Nigeria slipped four places and 2012 champions Zambia fell 11 places.

Ivory Coast remain the highest ranked African team, sitting in 13th spot.. Spain remain top of the global list, while Brazil - who beat the Spaniards to lift the Confederations Cup - climb 13 places to make it into the top 10 at 9th spot.

Top Ten in Africa:

1. Ivory Coast (13 in the world)

2. Ghana (24) 3.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Monday, 26 August 2013

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Friday, 16 August 2013

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Monday, 5 August 2013

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Friday, 2 August 2013

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Eligibility:

Monday, 29 July 2013

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Friday, 26 July 2013

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Thursday, 4 July 2013